The Ironical Monocle

I played in a coed floor hockey league tonight. Before you get too anxious – yes, we won. And, you should know, I am of the female variety.

Despite our win, it wasn’t the most enjoyable game of floor hockey I’ve played. It actually ended with one of the females on the opposing team walking off the court claiming “I have to sub off. THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW THE RULES!”

Well, Lady. Perhaps it is YOU who needs clarification of the rules. Let me recap the main ones you seemed to struggle with during our game:

1) Man or women, if you are going to throw your body around haphazardly throughout the game, you are NOT PERMITTED to complain when an opposing player either a) holds their ground while you flail/flop in their general direction or b) protects the ball with their body causing you to bounce off of them.

2) You MAY complain about a rule infraction in a “nice” way upon the first infraction. If the offending player does not correct their actions, it then becomes the responsibility of the referee to speak with the player. Yelling “No slapshots!” upwards of 5 times in a row, followed by comments such as “NO ONE WANTS TO DIE” is inappropriate, unsportsmanlike and most of all, just plain embarrassing especially when the game is played with a soft rubber ball.

For future reference, here is the definition of referee:
The person(s) assigned to the game to maintain the flow and integrity of the game. Duties are to call violations, fouls and maintain the game within the limits of the rules.

3) While not explicitly against the rules, constant whining on the court that leads to excessive shortness of breath is NOT advantageous to your team and should be avoided.

Some other quick tips:

• DON’T wear a ball cap when playing, it severely inhibits your ability to see up the court (as you may have noticed). May I suggest a head band?
• DON’T try to mark me, it’s futile. I’m going to score anyway and/or it’s embarrassing when I walk you over to the side of the court leaving my teammates open in the slot.
• DO wear a mouthguard. Not only does it protect your teeth and prevent death by slapshot, it also serves to muffle your whining, protecting the ears of all others on the court.

I wonder if my new floor hockey friends will invite me back for game 4?